I married my man, the owner of an old and successful family frame workshop, and one thing I sorely lacked in my marriage was passion.
I tried everything to stimulate passion in our relationship and nothing really worked.
I felt like I was letting him down, as well as myself. I suffered from vaginismus and all the lubricants I used did not help for long. I realized it wasn’t normal, but I accepted that our sex was just another weekly chore.
In October 1998, we were invited to my brother’s house for a holiday. As I entered his beautiful home I was shocked when I saw Danny and his wife. I was so excited to see him again after all these years. I sat down next to him and felt that the world had stopped. I didn’t really notice what was going on around me. I understood that this would not be our last meeting, and indeed, at the end of the visit we arranged to meet at a café in a remote town.
As we met at the café, we talked a lot, laughed, got emotional… and I understood that I hadn’t left Danny’s heart over the years. It turned out that he noticed me at the that event years ago, when he finished the air force training.
With time, our encounters became romantic.
Once every few months, Danny would rent a room at a bed and breakfast and we would make love there. He had great emotional intelligence, he knew how to touch me in bed, he would prepare the setting for us with scented candles, and he set up speakers in the bedroom where beautiful songs were playing. He knew how to touch me emotionally and physically.
I discovered myself differently there. I loved the wild sex we had, it was so passionate and there was no pain involved… and I experienced a chain of powerful orgasms one after another… I didn’t know I was capable of all of this.
It was addictive!
Our relationship lasted 15 years, during which I felt terrible guilt for doing this to my man, who was always good to me, and Danny felt that he was in the wrong place with his wife but he had no courage to end the relationship with her.
And then the worst happened. A year and a half ago, Danny began to feel very tired. A doctor’s examination revealed that he had gotten pancreatic cancer. I took the news very badly and I cried day and night… I prayed for his well-being.
For three months he was fading… I couldn’t visit him in the hospital, because then our forbidden relationship would have been exposed.
Every evening he updated me on his condition and always wrote that he would be okay and he will get out of it.
And then I never heard from him again.
That terrible morning I heard from my brother that Danny had died.
It was terrible… at that moment I wanted to die. I cried so much, and no one around me understood what was happening to me. I told my husband that it was menopause that caused depression. My children were very worried about me.
Every night I went out to my porch, turned to the starry sky, and on full moon nights I asked Danny to help me cope with the immense pain.
I started feeling terrible pain all over my body. I was bleeding in the bathroom and all the medical tests didn’t find anything.
I insisted on undergoing a capsule test privately and it discovered that I had an outbreak of Crohn’s disease. The doctor immediately offered biological treatment and I refused. In addition, I was found to have a lump in my breast.
I realized that my body was just collapsing.
I started talking to a psychologist and I had the feeling that I needed more than that, I needed to heal my body together with my mind and so I came to you, Ayla, after receiving a warm recommendation from my neighbor whose husband was a patient of yours, whom you’ve helped beat cancer and fully recover.
Ayla, you see, I feel like a widow and there is no one to comfort me. The relationship with my husband no longer includes intercourse because he sees that I suffer so much in bed. I need help on different levels… the emotional level – to stop thinking the disturbing thoughts about Danny that I have 24/7. I need help on the sexual level in order to experience a good sex life with my husband as I know I am able to experience. I need to eliminate the guilt that is hurting me, and I want to eliminate the Crohn’s disease and the lump in my breast that thankfully turned out to be non-malignant, but it is clear to me that if I continue to destroy myself, the tumor will become violent.”
My heart went out to Amy as she was full of sorrow and pain.
I immediately began an energetic cleanse therapy to remove the barriers created in her body and soul in deep meditation, teaching her how to connect with her soul rather than her ego.
The ego that exists in all of us does not serve us, it is like a dragon spitting fire asking us to feed it compliments from the environment. The ego belongs to the subconscious mind that controls about 90% of our personality structure and causes only severe anguish. On the other hand, the mind, the being and the soul within us, need internal nourishment rather than external nourishment, it needs our self-love and not glorification from the external environment. The relationship with Danny greatly complimented Amy and glorified her.
I read Amy a paragraph from the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, which describes the entirety of human problems:
“Most people are still in this selfish state of mind: they are identified with and are managed by their thoughts. If they do not free themselves in time from their thoughts, they will be destroyed by them, they will experience confusion, conflict, violence, sickness, despair and madness that will increase. The selfish mind becomes a sinking ship. If you don’t get off it, you will go down with it. The collective ego consciousness is the most craziest, most dangerous and destructive entity that has ever resided on Earth”.
The writer, who suffered from severe depression that almost drove him crazy, explains how to meditate correctly, and how to persist in the power of the healing present, and not to dive into the agonizing past which brings sadness, bitterness and anger, nor in the future which may bring anxiety, but in our present, the here and now.
Amy, who was skeptical about the meditation at the beginning of our treatment, became addicted to the feeling of levitation she felt during the relaxing experience of the meditation.
After some time passed, her body overcame Crohn’s disease and she stopped bleeding. The breast tumor disappeared completely. And recently, Amy came to me with her husband to get sexual counseling.
When I saw the wonderful improvement in Amy’s life, I suggested that we meet twice a month so that she could learn how to be stronger on her own, with the tools she had received from me so far.
At the end of four months of treatment, I met a new, bright, radiant and healthy Amy. In our last meeting, Amy brought a beautiful plant with a thank you note on it, that moved me deeply:
“Dear Ayla, I don’t think there are enough words to thank you for your life-saving treatment. Thank you so much for helping me heal in every aspect. I thank you for your honesty and your good heart. Thank you so much for freeing me from the cage I was in. I wish you many moments of happiness. Yours, always, Amy.”
I am so grateful for the journey Amy and I went through together, in which I learned about a very determined, intelligent and pluralistic woman, ready to face any challenge.
A few comments:
The story is true, the places, dates and names have been changed to prevent identification.
According to medicine, Crohn’s disease is an autoimmune, incurable disease. Deep emotional therapy alongside nutritional therapy can prevent the attacks of the disease.
As an emotional therapist, I have no judgment about the lifestyle Amy led, so I accepted her story with love and compassion.
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This is one of many stories I meet in my clinic. Each person is a whole world.
It is so important to let go of the emotions that are trapped inside of us in order to improve our physical and emotional health.
