Ruth’s Grape Vineyard

“You see, Ayla… the greater the expectation I had, the greater was the disappointment…

We stayed to talk a little longer, but my thoughts were all over the place. I was not focused on our conversation… Finally he said he had to get up early in the morning for farm work, gave me a hug, said he loved me and was really sorry, and he offered to accompany me to my car. As I didn’t want to be left alone on the beach, I agreed to have him accompany me, I put on a shirt I had in my bag, took the bottle he gave me, got in the car and cried my eyes out…

 

I saw that he could see me… he was looking at me with concern through the window… I opened the window and said:

“I don’t want it to end between us, I’d love to see you again” and he replied: “Of course, Ruth, you are amazing and very dear to me.”

I thought it was wrong to end the relationship because of such an event, as I found many common grounds between us.

Tom turned out to be a very intelligent man. We started dating and I found that this story was repeating itself. Whenever it got to making love, he either avoided it because of various excuses such as fatigue and physical pain from prolonged work… or he showed extreme shyness whenever I asked him to touch me in certain body parts.

 

Later I discovered an extraordinary person, intelligent, articulate, hardworking, full of curiosity, self-taught, a great cook, he always came to my rescue and was by my side, but when it comes to sex, I’d rather satisfy myself on my own either than get intimate with him, and so it turned out that we haven’t had sex in eight months and he really doesn’t seem to mind it, as if he’s not interested in sex at all.”

I felt great empathy for Ruth’s story as I understood how much she is suffering from a lack of sexual intimacy with her partner.

 

During the meetings we had, I explained Ruth the reasons that could stem from Tom’s behavior. I gave her a few books to read on the subject, I gave her copies of professional articles, and I emphasized a common problem called performance anxiety.

Ruth learned that more than 40% of young men face problems of performance anxiety and hence difficulty regulating sex.

 

I suggested that we meet with Tom as well. At first, he refused, saying he knew how to deal with his problem, but later he contacted me and he agreed to have a personal meeting. I asked Ruth if this is acceptable to her, and she was very happy about Tom coming to meet me on his own.

When Tom arrived, I learned that Ruth had not exaggerated with her description of him. He is indeed a broad-minded, wonderful person. In our conversations I discovered the root of the problem: “I grew up in a terrible home, my father was a very rough man, a farmer, who was on his land all day. He would take me with him to do all the farm work while he was complaining to me about my mother.

When we got home from the fields, my mother would hurl harsh accusations at him, and each time the shouting and the swearing would end with the usual painful sentence: “You’re not even a man, you disgust me, you’re a rag and I don’t want to live with a rag like you who only makes me miserable.”

 

I taught Tom to recognize the difficulties he was experiencing due to the mutual brainwashing from his parents.

In the conversations, he realized that the strongest sentence etched in his head was questioning the fact that his father was a real man.

After all, he attributed to his father the qualities of a leader and created an adaptation to the juxtaposition between his father’s sexual dysfunction and his image as the header of the almighty tribe.

 

Tom understood that he was living with certain sexual paradigms in his identity as a man capable of satisfying a woman, and therefore he developed severe anxiety that led him to avoid sexual contact , which delayed his relationships with women for many years.

 

During the treatment of the couple in our couple therapy sessions, I went by several therapeutic methods:

Personal life coaching to enhance Tom’s self-image, and to enhance Ruth’s self-image which was fractured by Tom’s behavior of unaware sexual neglect. Removing the ongoing suffering that Tom was experiencing through “The Journey” program by Brannon Base, which has the ability to remove anxiety, depression, disturbing thoughts, self-blame, self-destruction and stress. Another method was meditation and guided imagery: We enhanced Tom’s understanding of him being a very desirable man, by integrating Ruth’s words.

The meditation creates an opportunity for us to implement new beliefs about ourselves.

Last Friday we completed a successful process, when Tom underwent a tremendous change.

Their sex life has flourished. Tom began to discover the fascinating world of sexuality and Ruth was experiencing powerful sexual thrills.
He began to study her body with great eagerness, and he learned some more about the woman’s pleasure points through a few books I had suggested to him.
I was so happy about the process we went through together.

 

The couple moved me deeply while presenting a heartwarming greeting with a gift:

“Dear Ayla,
     At the end of the process we went through with your help, we adopt the words of Oscar Wilde:

“Living is one of the rarest things, most people just exist.”

Thanks to your dedicated care and to the fact that you did not give up on us, our life is now rare and full of interest. We enjoy each other greatly and are very excited about the new life that we have together. You saved our relationship. We will always be very grateful to you.
With love,
     Ruth and Tom.”

Tears of joy welled up in my eyes. Thank you, I answered inside my heart… thank you very much for the privilege of being there for you, as you finally realized your empowering sexual life. It is so important in my opinion.

And now I turn to you, my beloved and dear friends and readers, most of the difficulties we might have in creating a satisfying sexual relationship, are emotional.

 

Don’t neglect one of the wonders of nature that the universe has given us, know that everything is reversible and any problem can be treated. Read some professional books about the subject, enhance the image of yourself in your own eyes, and you’ll see that you, too, will reach the stars.