Rebecca lowered her tear-filled eyes, poured herself another cup of tea from the tea pot that was placed on the table in my clinic, and continued: “Oliver is my sixth spouse in the last ten years. You see, Ayla, all of the spouses I had were amazing… I really don’t compromise…”
I looked at her beautiful gold-curled and could understand why she was uncompromising.
Rebecca is a young, charismatic lawyer. She is beautiful and she speaks beautifully. As she passed the age of 37, she started feeling very frustrated.
“Until now, I was believing my own stories in which I was disqualifying all men. I was waiting for it to happen… I was waiting to fall in love. But it never happened… something is shut off in my heart. I couldn’t fall in love with them. And now when Oliver came into my life I realized that I, myself, am the problem. How can I not fall in love with this guy? He’s perfect.
We also have wild and passionate sex. He is a perfect lover… but, the sex is disconnected. I can’t fall in love with him during or after sex. Oliver wants to continue hugging me after the sex and all I want to do is to take a shower and move on with my day or dive into a deep sleep. Recently, Oliver had expressed a great frustration with me.
He notices that I can’t create a meaningful relationship and he projects it onto himself, just like all of my other partners… They didn’t understand what was wrong with them until they got tired of the relationship and it just didn’t last… But with Oliver it’s different… I don’t want to give up on him… you see, Ayla, I’m desperate… I don’t want to stay single for my entire life.
I don’t want to force myself to marry a man who I don’t feel anything for, but on the other hand, I tell myself that maybe I should give up falling in love because it will probably never happen to me.
This conflict is killing me… and my parents are also pressuring me to get married… they don’t understand why I can’t really want Oliver.
Every time I broke up with a partner, it broke their hearts… And now with Oliver, they’re feeling really anxious… They love him very much…. Ayla, please help me get out of this vicious loop… I’m lost…”
The treatment for Rebecca included deep emotional-energetic therapy in order to release emotional patterns of which she was not aware of.
One of the most common reasons for having difficulty in falling in love, is the fear of getting hurt. In our joint journey throughout Rebecca’s life story, we identified several areas where she felt betrayed and hurt by men.
She had a belief about all men, and it was that they are manipulative and disloyal people.
During our meetings we worked on changing Rebecca’s inner story, and on her ability to trust herself, love herself, and how to trust people in general, and men in particular. We worked on the ability to trust Oliver, and as the sessions moved along, I was deeply moved by the fact that their relationship took a loving and intimate turn.
Rebecca is one of many who came to my clinic with difficulty in feeling the most basic emotion – falling in love.
To all of you who might be experiencing the same difficulty, I would like to say that this emotion exists in you, all you need to do is to allow yourself to release the residues of the past from your heart, as they are blocking the sensitive feelings in you and the feelings that are related to your good self-esteem. There is a need to cleanse the inner memory which is connected to the hurt that you felt in the past.
Another type of relationship is a relationship in crisis.
The main conflict between women and men is that we are built differently.
The male brain is quite different from the female one.
For couples who come to me for couples counseling, I recommend the book: “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by Dr. John Gray.
And here are some brilliant quotes from the book that simply describes the differences between men and women:
“When a Martian (the man) is upset about something, he will never talk about the things that bother him with someone else. He will never put his problems on the shoulders of another Martian… Instead of doing so, he becomes quiet and goes to his “cave” where he ponders his problems carefully in order to find a solution for them.
Once he finds the long-awaited solution, he will feel much better and will come out of the “cave”.
If he can’t find a solution to the problem, he’ll turn to another solution, like reading newspapers or playing games, which will make him forget about the problem.
By detaching his mind from the problem, he is able to gradually free himself from stress, and relax.
When the women of Venus (the women) share with someone that they are overwhelmed by their stress, they suddenly feel much better, just by sharing it.
At Venus, sharing problems with other people is considered a sign of love and trust, not a burden.
The women of Venus are not ashamed to admit that they have problems. Their “ego” does not lean on being sufficiently “competent,” but on maintaining relationships of love.
They share with each other feelings of stress, embarrassment, helplessness and exhaustion, in complete openness.
When a man is under stress, he will retire to his cave (his mind), and he will concentrate on ways to solve the problem. He will usually first chooses a more complex problem or a problem that requires a more urgent solution. He becomes so focused on solving this single problem that he loses his awareness of everything else.
In these times, when it comes to relationships, he becomes more distant, forgetful, unresponsive, uncooperative, and scatterbrained.
For example, when you have a conversation with him at home, he seems as if only 5% of his brain is available for the domestic relationship, while the remaining 95% are still at work. The more stressed he is, the greater the grip of the problem on him.
At those times, he is unable to give a woman the attention and feelings that she deserves and that she usually receives from him.
Women generally don’t understand how Martians deal with their stress. They expect men to open up and talk about their problems, as Venus women tend to do. When a man is stuck inside his cave, the woman feels resentment towards him for not being open to her. She gets hurt when he turns to hear the news or goes out to play a basketball game and ignores her.
When women talk about their problems, men will usually resist being dragged into the conversation. The man assumes that the woman is talking to him about her problems because she believes that he is responsible for the existence of the problem. The more problems there are, the more he fears that he might be accused of something. He doesn’t realize that she is talking only to release and to feel better. The man does not know that she will appreciate it very much if he only listened to her.
In conclusion: a man who is in distress will want to deal with it alone, without help from his partner. Any advice she would give without her being asked, would cause the man to shut down even more and to distance himself from her.
A woman in distress needs a man to hear her. A woman does not need the man to give advice to correct her, but only to listen to her and contain her distress.
As soon as the man gives her advice or minimizes her distress by saying the words:
“What are you making a big deal out of it? What are you even complaining about?”
To a woman, this is a reason to start a battle for her misunderstood emotional needs.
For couples who come to me for counseling, I give a workbook with easy, practical advice on how to communicate well.
As the sessions move along, I see how the barriers are slowly being removed and how love begins to light up their house.
For singles who can’t seem to find love, I would like to say – don’t give up.
Falling in love is feeling alive.
It’s a shame to miss the opportunity to fall deeply in love. If you have a barrier in this matter, take action to remove it.
And for concerned parents, I would like to recommend:
Don’t often ask your children what’s going on with their relationships. When they have a relationship, they will announce it to you. The repeated questions in this matter will cause them stress and anxiety.
Instead, if you feel that your children are “stuck” for a long time without a relationship or are in a bad relationship, you may suggest to arrange couples counseling sessions that will guide them to bring themselves to success in this field. Addressing children on this subject should be done carefully, sensitively and lovingly.
I will be happy to answer any questions on this subject.
Sending much love.
Yours truly,
